Last night I had the best time chatting away with two of my closest friends from school, 10 years after I last met them. And as brown girls of a certain age do, we talked about the constant companion of our lives- the questions we get asked that we do not want to be asked. Three brown women, one happily married to her childhood sweetheart, and two single women tasked with the same question- what in the world do they want from us?
My friends were thoroughly focused on one thing- happiness, but I was informed by my community that as a woman of a marriageable age, I have to focus on other things. Then I realized my friends are brilliant women who can stand up for what they believe in and ask for what they want, they are brilliant women who found the best life on their terms, and I am “not-so-ideal” (an uncle said that to my family once) so I cannot really do that. One thing was clear, they knew what the hell we wanted from themselves, and I really did not. It made me proud and melancholic- my dear friends have grown up and I am low-key still 21. Whether it was my abusive relationship at 22 that stunted my emotional growth or the excessive use of sleeping pills at 25 that lulled me for a while, I have no idea who I am but I am trying to figure out what I want. I made a list of words that I have heard most when it comes to marriage (aka the only thing that matters to Indians over 50) and decided to figure out what it means. And in that I made a guide- for me and you. For those of us who want to let the flow of the “family rox” whatsapp group guide us.
- Compromise- They say that to find someone to love, you have to learn to lower your standards- because love and high standards are incompatible. The slightly depressed dude who hit you up in 2018- well you can change him! The internally misogynistic guy with abs for days- you can make him join a womens rights course online? The guy whose mom hates you- there are spells and shit for that right? Hates tattoos- USE CONCEALER. Hates women who drink- use a goddamn flask, how is this hard for you?. What if he wants me to earn less than him and not use my fancy ivy league education to intimidate him- have you considered learning to bake? Cakes can really replace ambition.
Turns out you won’t be loved the way you want to be if you want things. Hilariously if you feel like eating both chocolate and pizza, you can get a chocolate pizza that is everything you want. You want kung pao chicken and your partner wants some tacos- here’s some news for you- CHINESE TACO. You want to be ambitious and use your resources to get a salary that can ensure you and your partner can go to Greece every year, but your partner wants you to well- not do that so he can feel a little bit better about manhood? Sorry, the chefs have not come up with a way to fix that. You’re on your own. Maybe go to the zoo every year instead? Your neanderthal partner might find some company there.
2. Intimacy- My friend told me a story about a mother finding her daughter’s sex toy and said “If you have so much lust just get married?”. I then thought about the last time a plastic dildo had a stupid opinion, and I was lost. My plastic dildo has never asked me to text him every hour… am I doing this wrong?
I mean if you want to engage in intimacy and definitely want to involve your first cousin’s mother-in-law in that decision- I cannot help you. Chastity is a virtue until it isn’t. Sex is unholy until it isn’t. Going to a park and kissing your partner is a crime until it becomes the topic of discussion at the dinner table focused on your fertility… why aren’t you going to more parks?
If you care about female desire, you’re fucked- or rather not fucked? I have provided free sex ed counseling to at least 4 of my female friends- I mean, my qualification is that I am literally getting a Ph.D. in it. But back to the guide! Female desire- you cannot have it anymore. Why? Go back to point 1.
3. Managing sadness in relationships- Post engagement photos on social media? I mean why are you sad- you have a ring, a man, and at least 2 dresses that cost more than your monthly salary. If you look at the very posed engagement and wedding photos, the sadness will dissipate. If you post those on instagram, with every like coming in, you will fall more in love. If your single friend from summer camp who you last spoke to in 2008 says “couple goals”, that will save you from the divorce lawyer fees.
Still hate your partner? Have you considered point 1. You hate your partner, lets compromise- do not hate him. If you figured this one out, ding ding ding, you got it! I think you are ready.
4. Spinsterhood- some of us not-ideal women love being “alone”. We like traveling the world alone, going to movies alone, or going to cafes waiting for the right guy to walk in and ask about the pretentious book we are reading. Some of us love seeing our friends sometimes, talking about our exes, and complicating our lives with all the dumb things non-ideal women do. Some of us fall in love but like letting that not be tied to a piece of paper. Some of us fall in love but your government has decided that it is not really valid under the values they made up. Turns out we are wrong.
Cancel that weeklong trip to Berlin to see contemporary art and visit “clubs” that are open all day, you will find that you will be happier sitting opposite your compromise-based lover talking about the next compromise you might have to make. And you will have fun. You might not- but go to point 3- POST THE PICTURE.
Anyway… this guide is a work in progress, but I have given you a lot already. And I have taught myself a lot already.
If you want the “wrong” answer though- ask my friends. They will sort you out and you might be happier. If you care about that.
postcolonialmigrant 